In short: A good mentor doesn’t measure himself by the number of tips he gave, but by the quality of the questions he asked. A good question shifts the focus from outside circumstances to the inner pattern – and sometimes reveals that the same pattern repeats in several arenas: at work, with customers and at home. Once you see the pattern, you can choose to act differently.
A while ago I worked with a manager who came in with a problem that was clear – at least to him:
“My team isn’t independent enough. Every decision ends up on my desk.”
He was exhausted. His days were filled with approvals, corrections and checking other people’s work. There was no time left to think ahead – about strategy, the market, the company’s next step. He was busy all the time, but with tactics.
His request was simple: “Help me get them to take responsibility.”
I didn’t give him a method. I asked a question.
The question that shifted his focus
“What happens when someone on your team makes a mistake? What do you do in that moment?”
He thought for a moment, then said: “I fix it. And when someone asks me something, I just answer.”
And that, really, said it all.
He didn’t let his team come up with their own answers, and never saw what they would have suggested as a solution. His team wasn’t lacking ability. They simply never got the chance to think, to make mistakes and to learn. Every mistake was fixed immediately, every question got a ready-made answer, and the team learned one thing: there’s no point in working hard to find a solution, because he’ll tell us what to do anyway.
He thought the problem was “a team that isn’t independent.” In reality it was his own pattern: micromanagement born of a lack of trust. Without meaning to, he had built a team that leaned on him.
I’ve written before about the difference between a centralized and an empowering manager. But knowing the difference is one thing, and seeing it in yourself is something else entirely. That’s what a good question does.
The story the founder brings, and the question beneath it
Almost everyone who comes to mentoring brings a story about the problem. The story is true, but it’s usually not complete. Here are three sentences I’ve heard more than once, and the question worth asking instead of giving advice:
“My team isn’t independent enough.”
→ The question: “What happens when someone on the team makes a mistake? How do you react?”
“I don’t have time to think about strategy.”
→ The question: “Which of the things you did this week could only you do? And which could others have done – maybe not as well as you?”
“Every partner I work with ends up disappointing me.”
→ The question: “What do all those times have in common? And what’s your part in it?”
These questions aren’t comfortable. They don’t look for someone to blame. They look for the point where you have influence.
From a single event to a pattern
With many managers, a pattern like this doesn’t stay with the team. It shows up with customers too – difficulty saying no, setting a boundary, letting someone else handle things. And often it shows up at home as well, in the same feeling that everything rests on their shoulders.
One question can connect the dots:
“Where else in your life do you feel you have to be the one who saves the day?”
That’s the moment a single event becomes a pattern. And that pattern no longer depends on the team, the customer or the circumstances. It depends on something deeper – the need for control, the difficulty of trusting, or the fear that if something fails, it will be on you.
In the post on what a mentor really does I called these “blind spots”: things everyone around you can see, except you.
From insight to change on the ground
Identifying a pattern isn’t a philosophical exercise. It’s the starting point for change.
Once the manager understood that his team also needed to fail in order to learn, something loosened. He started pausing before fixing. When someone asked him something, he answered with a question: “What do you suggest?” – and let the team come up with the solution. He learned to tolerate small mistakes, because they are the price of a team that learns to stand on its own feet.
And the time that freed up went exactly where it was missing: thinking ahead. Strategically, not just tactically.
7 questions you can ask yourself today
- What problem do I keep coming back to, again and again, with different people?
- What do I do the moment something goes wrong – and what does that teach the people around me?
- Which decision have I been putting off for weeks? What exactly am I afraid of in it?
- Which of my tasks this week truly need me – and which could someone else on the team do, if only I let them?
- Where else in my life does the same feeling show up?
- What would I tell another manager who described my exact situation to me?
- If this problem were solved tomorrow – what would I spend the freed-up time on?
If one of these questions made you pause for a moment, you’ve probably found something.
When a question is enough, and when you need a mentor
Sometimes one honest question you ask yourself is enough. But it’s very hard to see a pattern when you’re inside it. That’s exactly why it’s a “blind spot.”
A mentor doesn’t know the answers better than you. He simply stands outside, asks the question you don’t ask yourself, and holds up a mirror until you see.
The bottom line: Good mentoring isn’t measured by the number of tips the mentor gave, but by the quality of the questions he asked – and the blind spots they managed to light up.
Want to find out which pattern is holding you back? Book an intro call. And if you’d like to get to know my approach first, read the book’s introduction here on the site.
